Running Dive

Turning Japanese

“Chink!” “Fuckin’ Jap!” “Slope!” “Why don’t you go eat some rice?”

I’ve heard it all. And the ironic thing is that I was raised with very little exposure to Japanese language, customs or even thinking.

I’ve relished my European upbringing. It’s interesting. Pilgrims. Knights Templar. Scottish chieftains. Swiss farmers. I have a tree through which I can trace my lineage back to 1500.

It’s interesting in that it helps me understand who I am, where I came from, and why I do the things I do. Yet it’s half the story.

I avoided even thinking about my Okinawan heritage in the past because it seemed so totally uncool to everyone else. Avoided it for my entire life.

Until now.

I’ve decided to become a student of Okinawan language and customs - to do the cultural training my mother never shared with me. I’ve written my Okinawan aunt (who speaks no English), using Babelfish to translate parts of the letter into Japanese, to ask about our family history (my mother doesn’t remember a bit of it). I included my email and web addresses so that computer-savvy and hopefully English-speaking offspring can contact me.

I’ve also decided to fully pursue Okinawan karate. After reading up on the many styles, I’ve chosen Shorin-Ryu, one of the oldest and most traditional forms. I’ve felt strange taking Tang Soo Do (a Korean martial art) for the last two years, as if I’m being disloyal to my peeps—or at the very least, as if I’m continuing to ignore my heritage. No more.

There’s a dojo in Vancouver that I’ve asked to join, in which they teach a form of Shorin-Ryu that’s very true to the original Okinawan Ti. I’ve written the sensei—hopefully they’ll let me visit and see what they’re up to. I think I’ll check out other styles and dojos as well to make sure there’s a good chemistry and learning fit.

Can’t wait to hear back!

- エリック

What’s the plan, Stan?

If you want to actually get someplace, you need a roadmap, or at the very least, a compass point. Any plan, any strategy, starts with both a vision of where one wants to go as well as an honest assessment of where one is today—warts and all.

There’s a school of thought called the Law of Attraction, stating that you will attract the people and circumstances in your life that you focus on. Take this school of thought to the extreme and you have The Secret, a concept that, at its fullest, states you will literally reshape your reality based on what you tell the Universe you want.

One thing I have witnessed repeatedly is the great ability of people to delude themselves. They’ll cling to any philosophy that they feel will bring them more. Examples: any of the world’s religions. Amway. All the get-rich-quick schemes. Even the allure, to some poor bastards, of the possibility of millions of dollars locked away in a Nigerian bank that could be theirs.

Yet isn’t the Law of Attraction based on a Philosophy of Scarcity? Don’t you need to attract what you want only when you don’t have it?

I believe the Universe (or God or whatever you’d prefer to call it) gives you what you believe. So if I’m wanting something, the Universe will say, “okay, you want that? You’ll continue wanting it.” In other words, when you set aside your belief that Scarcity is the primary yardstick of your life, Abundance will happen.

Is there such a thing as having a vision without wanting, desiring, needing it? I’m about to find out.

In my vision:

• I’m healthy, strong, flexible, at a good weight, with a great diet
• My wife and I are living someplace with incredible weather
• We’re (still) debtless
• I feel good about what I do for a living, and make enough money to be comfortable and have some options (in the past I’ve made $250k/year and had lots of stuff…it was hugely distracting from the truly important things in life)
• Fearless about the future

Sounds like a pretty good future.

Where am I now?

• Healthy but weak, getting crackly and stiff, 40 lbs overweight, average diet
• My wife and I live someplace beautiful but with shitty, dark and rainy winters
• No major debt - credit cards are all cut up
• Generally, not proud about what I do for a living. Not quite to the point where we have as many options as I’d like
• Fearful (there, I said it) about the future, about people’s bad behavior, and what my children will inherit

Steps to take:

• Daily exercise for at least 30 minutes
• Switch to organic food
• Work out a plan to retire someplace sunny
• Do something with renewable energy, the homeless, teaching or other ways to give back
• Let go of my worries

Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Hah.

But it does sound doable. That’s the minimum table stakes: believing it’s achievable.

So we’re off. Let’s see how I do.

Go back to the beginning.

“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and to know the place for the first time.” - T.S. Eliot

This is the end. And the beginning. It’s the end of a great adventure begun many years ago, when I was still a boy: a journey outward, an exploration—of life, of learning, of adulthood, of professions and lifestyles and ideas. My entire life has been about this pursuit to understand more, to push myself, to experience more and to accomplish more.

I started on this road long ago, a conservative, somewhat judgmental Midwestern teen with little real-world experience; I was confident in my intellect and ability to learn, yet not truly SELF-confident. Wanting to fit in and be accepted yet wanting to be unique and unusual. Half-Japanese yet rejecting that side of me due to the racist taunts of childhood. Open to new friendships yet shunning the typical explorations done by others—drugs, alcohol, reckless sex—any addiction or consequence that might slow my journey. A friendly-yet-stuckup straight-edge kid, exploratory yet staying safe within the constructs of my own value system, wanting to know more yet willing to follow the instructions and experience of others rather than creating my own. Naïve. Sometimes harsh.

At age 19, the true realities of life started happening—literally, with a bang, when my very unhappy father shot and killed himself in the parking lot of his former employer. From there it was a series of intensely painful experiences: flunking out of college, being disowned by my mother, experiencing the sublime thrill of falling in love and the incredibly deepening experience of fatherhood, then a crushing, out-of-the-blue rejection by my wife, the breakup of my family, and wave after wave of premature deaths of loved ones and rejections by others.

Like a stubborn child, I’ve avoided self-care—I’ve sought guidance but not truly listened to it. With each loved one’s death, I’ve buried grief under layer upon layer of emotional concrete. With every rejection, I’ve tried yet even harder to please others, often at my own expense. I’ve pushed my body to the absolute breaking point of neglect: a tyrant mind clinging to the idea that SHEER FORCE OF WILL would get me through any physical challenge.

Now, nearly 30 years later, I’m finally open to stepping back far enough to see the patterns, to see the forest for the trees. Now, at 47, I’m going back to the beginning, to understand my Asian heritage, how I process problems, how I handle relationships. Most of us worry about becoming our parents, or solving addictions, or avoiding hardships. I’ve begun a new journey, inward, to explore who I REALLY am, to embrace it all. To care for myself. To stop trying to be all things to all people. To stop living in fear of rejection, premature death, and what-if scenarios.

Took me long enough.

I expect this journal to be uninteresting or irrelevant to others who aren’t on such a journey. Some will feel it’s symbolic of a “mid-life crisis” (that’s so 20th Century). Some may think it’s self-piteous or “weak” as I publicly drop my masculine guard. Whatev. They can stay in their patterns while I understand and rewire my own.

If you can relate and want to follow along or comment, that’s great. Always nice to have company on a journey.

- e